Analiese Brielle

It was April 1, 2019

I was two days late. I’m never late. There was once last month where it was, you know, questionable.

I needed to know, and yet, I didn’t want to know, because in a strange way I already knew. 

So I took the test. It says to wait five minutes, but two lines started forming almost immediately. I felt myself start to panic, and tears formed in my eyes. I couldn’t be pregnant!

Immediately I started to pray over my child, the little baby in my womb, the precious little soul. I did this because I didn’t want to have any negativity toward my child. I didn’t want to be disappointed. I didn’t want to feel the way I actually felt. So I spoke life. I chose to believe the baby was a gift, a surprise, not a mistake.

I was shaking and still near tears when I called my best friend. (Yes I called my friend Emily before I called my husband. I wanted to surprise him and to have someone capture it on camera)

Emily was thrilled, and announced to me that she was expecting too. Immediately I remembered that last week I have asked Jesus to please help Emily and I to get pregnant at the same time sometime in our life. It turned out that our due dates were one week apart. God is so good.

I cried again when I told Merv. I was trying to be excited but man...I had such big plans for 2019. I was going to get in the best shape of my life that summer. I was going to get abs. Real rock hard abs. I had joined a softball team. I was going to establish my photography business and run with it. It was going to be amazing.

But every time I felt the disappointment, I would pray life over my child. My baby. My own flesh and blood. One thing I was particularly stressed out about was naming my baby. I had such a hard time naming Selah, I love her name and I was sure I couldn’t find another name that I like equally as much, so I begged the Lord to name the baby for me.

I struggled with the idea for a while, too long probably, I didn’t want to admit I was still struggling. I was crying out to the Father one day, begging him to help me be excited, and I felt him speak to me in a tangible way.

Journal Entry June 5, 2019

A little while ago, I was really struggling with this pregnancy. I hadn’t planned it. It didn’t fit in my schedule. I was going to play ball, and go elk hunting, and get in the best shape of my life.

I hated to struggle with it. I wanted to be excited. I wanted to want my own child. I was talking to the Lord about it one day, and suddenly, he just downloaded what He actually thought about the child.

“No Ashley, this is not something you planned or wanted, but this is something you need in your life.

This is an abundant gift that I am giving you. An incredible blessing. It will change the course of your life, but in the right direction.

I am knitting this child together in your womb, and I am giving her/him to you as an abundant gift.”

Not long after that, we had a wedding, it was our dear friend Chris’ but for some reason, I could never remember his fiancée’s name.

After the bride and groom said their vows the bridal party spoke words of prophesy and encouragement over the bride and groom. It was beautiful. 

I remember one word over the bride was this: 

“Analiese, I looked up the meaning of your name, and it means ‘my abundant gift to you, or graced with Gods bounty.’” He went on to say that the bride was a gift to the groom, and it was truly beautiful, but my heart had stopped at the meaning of her name. It was too clear to be a coincidence...to obvious to mean anything else. I started crying. Literally tears were streaming down my face, because I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that Analiese was the name of my baby. My baby was a GIRL! (Secretly I had always wanted another girl) In that moment all disappointment vanished, true joy and excitement filled my soul.  

I leaned over to Merv, “That’s her name, her name is Analiese!” He nodded and held me tighter.

It wasn’t long after that, that we had our gender reveal party. I was certain that the baby was a girl, but there was a part of me that was nervous. What if it wasn’t? What if it was a boy? I didn’t want to be disappointed again. What would I name him? And besides all that, if it WAS a boy, what did all the Analiese stuff mean? I didn’t have that big of an imagination did I? 

The fireworks went off, and everyone started cheering “IT’S A BOY!!!!” “CONGRATS!!” “I KNEW IT WAS A BOY!!” “AREN’T YOU SOO EXCITED??” “YOU’LL HAVE ONE OF EACH.” “IT’S THE MILLION DOLLAR FAMILY!” 

I swallowed any disappointment, thanked Jesus for my precious little boy, and pasted a smile on my face. I was NOT going to be negative about this. The baby was my abundant gift! Regardless of the gender. And yet I felt so confused. Apparently I didn’t hear from the Lord anymore. And what in the world was I going to name a boy? 

The next few months were filled with a lot of surrender, a lot of thanking God for a BOY! (whenever I felt disappointed) and more surrender. Merv and I came up with a name we LOVED, Elijah, and after we had that, I found myself getting excited about being a boy mom. But at night when I was trying to sleep, my imagination would run wild, (Looking back it may have been the Holy Spirit) but I would have these fantasies about the baby being born and it was a GIRL! And I would be so thrilled. I felt guilty about these day dreams, and every time they would happen I would pray that God would take them away because I wanted to want my Son. And I certainly didn’t want to be disappointed at the birth. How awful would that be? Still, it was enough that I decided I would check to make sure my baby boy was really a boy. 

My water broke at midnight on December 4th. We called to let the midwife know, and then tried to get as much sleep as we could. With Selah it wasn’t more then five hours of labor, so we didn’t know what to expect this time around. Throughout the night I was having about two contractions an hour, and they weren’t much worse then period cramps. As morning came the contraction increased to every ten minutes, sometimes every five, but they were very bearable. (I was confused because with Selah my contractions were very very intense and not more then 30 seconds apart.)

It was such a special morning with my husband and daughter. She woke up very early, and while I rocked her, I said, “Selah Mama’s going to get the baby out today.” She refused to sleep after that, so we cuddled in bed, and talked, and shared lots of kisses.

It was the sweetest thing, during one contraction I was bent over, breathing through it, and Selah came over and tucked my hair behind my ear and gave me a hug. She has such a kind heart. 

At 10:30 we decided to go in to the birth center. My contractions were five minutes apart, and I was curious how far I was dilated. Also I was started to get spacy, meaning I had a hard time focusing or answering people’s questions. (A sure sign of real labor) 

We went in and the midwife checked me, and I was at an 8! I was thrilled, because labor had been easy thus far! It wasn’t long until I was fully dilated and it was time to push.

But unfortunately the baby was turned wrong and she refused to budge. It was super discouraging because whenever a contraction would come and I would push as hard as I could, I could feel that it did absolutely nothing. My midwife was absolutely amazing though, she never allowed me to stay in one position for more then 5-10 mins. She always had something else for us to try or do.

It was intense, painful and discouraging. No matter what we did, the baby stayed in one place. I was getting tired. (Merv told me later that at went point I just went limp for a couple seconds) Finally though, they put a exercise ball in between my legs, and I felt the baby come down. The adrenaline surged again, and it wasn’t long after that, that our baby was born. There’s nothing quite like that feeling of a warm, wet, crying baby on your chest. Never have I felt so powerful and relieved and exhausted and excited all at the same time. I couldn’t believe I actually had done it. My husband was crying, on my shoulder, I was in awe. What a miracle! Words can’t describe that feeling. 

“So what is his name?” The nurse asked. 

“Elijah,” we told them. In my head, I thought, ‘I’m just going to double check that.’ So I unwrapped the blanket a bit, and there was no penis! I thought that maybe I had missed it, so I looked again, but no the baby was definitely a GIRL! 

“You guys, this is a girl!”

I don’t really remember what happened after that. A lot of exclamation and excitement and surprise. I remember the nurse told us that she’s worked there for 17 years and had never seen the ultrasound guy (Joe) wrong. I was beyond excited. It was just like my day dreams. Jesus did speak to me. I didn’t imagine it. Even now thinking of the whole story tears come to my eyes when I think of how grateful I am that my baby is a girl. What a wonderful, abundant gift! 

Of course, we named her Analiese.

Analiese Brielle, 

Analiese means ‘Graced with God’s bounty or abundant gift.’

Brielle means ‘God is my strength’

Analiese Brielle, you are my abundant gift, and what you bring to our family comes in much bounty. You will bring joy, and laughter. You are a course changer, you will change the course of our lives in a way that we never knew we needed. You will change the course of many other people’s lives as well. You are a fighter, you are strong, stronger then we realize or then you will realize for a long time. My prayer every day is that I pursue a relationship with you, even in the hard times. I pray that no matter what happens I will be in tune with the Holy Spirit and let him guide me to raise you well. I pray that I will always seek to understand your heart and see the beauty in every situation. 

I love you, my daughter, my abundant gift!

Love, Mommy